“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “President Obama on Monday delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone for his second term -especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth control pills.”

MEYERS – “This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech. As well as the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend’s “I had the weirdest dream” speech. Guess which one was longer.”

MEYERS – “Pope Benedict this past Sunday tweeted in Latin for the first time in an effort to revive the ancient language. Because when you’re looking to revive a language, you turn to the place where people spell “later” with an 8.”

MEYERS – “Chase and PNC are both releasing new ATMs that can dispense 1 and 5 dollar bills as well as coins. While Wells Fargo is releasing a new ATM that borrows money from you.”

MEYERS – “Orangutans at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo are now being given iPads to use as part of an “Apps for Apes” program. Man, and you think your screen gets dirty. “Apps for Apes” is also causing some jealously among
those participating in ‘Zunes for Baboons.’”

MEYERS – “A new report suggests that people in happy marriages are more likely to gain weight than people who are unhappily married. So if your spouse is a huge, disgusting slob, congratulations, you’re happily married.”

MEYERS – “A restaurant in Philadelphia has created a new taco that replaces the shell with slices of bacon. Of course, no matter how good it tastes, you’re still in Philadelphia.”

MEYERS – “A new study has been released disproving the myth that condoms diminish sexual pleasure for men. The study was published in this quarter’s ‘Journal of Lies.’”

MEYERS – “A barista at a Starbucks in Alabama was able to stop a robber by pretending he didn’t have a key to the safe and instead offering him a free coffee. So let this be a lesson to other robbers, baristas do have the key to the safe.”

MEYERS – “A branch of the New York City Library has begun lending out a doll from the popular American Girl doll series. Because some people haven’t gotten the flu yet.”

MEYERS – “Insiders are saying that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of more than 500,000 dollars to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. “We’ll do it!” shouted both of her parents at once.”

MEYERS – “It was reported that Guy Fieri is planning to open a winetasting room on a vineyard in California. Fieri’s wine reportedly has a spicy top note and a smoky finish and it’s just gravy.”


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